I guess I made mistakes nephew. That is apparent. I heard about it, you know. The disease, it was everywhere all of a sudden, and I was used to being careful so it didn’t bother me none, I didn’t have to change that much. But I made mistakes. Got lucky a few times, but that don’t matter right now do it? You so sweet boy, ain’t nothing like your daddy. Just like your mama I guess. We always got along, me and her, we grew up here. I’m the reason she even know your daddy, we was friends and he was the kind of man I ain’t, and voila, here we are.
Ain’t no need for regrets now, it is what it is. I just hate it cause once everybody but my mama and yours knew what I was, they all said this was gonna happen, and damn it if I ain’t make ‘em right.
You understand what I am? You know what gay mean?
“You kiss men.”
Yeah, but everybody kiss men. Your daddy kissed his daddy when he was young. You know how your daddy and your mama love each other and sleep together, and make decisions together? They man and wife. Well, instead of me having a wife, I was always looking for a husband.
“But why though, uncle Fitz? I want a wife like my mama.”
It just is what it is. I done had a long time to think on it, and this is what I think about it:
I think we all people, and we all got a purpose. Some people have babies and work they whole life taking care of ‘em. Some people have businesses, they build houses and hotels. Some people do government stuff. But at the end of the day, all that effort is something bigger, all that effort is a city of people, a productive city. And it take each person doing what they do. Maybe we can’t understand why it’s a bum on the street corner, but if you take that bum away who knows what will happen. So if some men don’t marry each other, who knows how that will impact the ones looking for wives. And it’s some women out there ain’t looking for a husband, they want a wife just like a man. It all balance out in the end.
“Is that why you’re sick? Cause you married a man?”
I never married a man, I couldn’t if I had the chance. I guess you too young now to understand my disease, but one day it’ll make sense. I got sick just because. But honestly nephew, I got sick for a reason, and since I been back, laid up back here in this room by myself most the time, falling in and out of life, I think I get it now. And you listen to me for a reason. Why you like me nephew?
“You make my mama laugh. You make me laugh. I like your house in Charleston. You took me to that restaurant. You don’t make me fight people like my daddy do sometime.”
He think he helping you. He love you, he just don’t know no better. That’s what our daddy used to do. That’s how you make a man.
I love you nephew. And I hate to be dying in front of you, but we here for a reason.
I been back here for what, half a year, and my body done only got worse. My mind ain’t that bad, but I’m dying nephew. I don’t want you to think I’m crazy or nothing. I ain’t losing my head. But I understand now that this world we know, this life we live, is the tip of the iceberg. You know what dying mean nephew?
“It’s when you go to sleep forever. Then they bury you under the ground and they carve your name into a rock so people don’t forget you.”
That’s about it I guess. Ain’t no better way to explain it. Lord knows what we see when we die. But I don’t think we got a reason to be scared, it ain’t just lights out. The worst part about it all is the pain. It’s different for different people, but my disease hurts at the end, I got medicines that make it easier to deal with, but it’s the worst thing. Take care of yourself nephew. Your body belongs to your soul and it expresses it. You get one body, and when it’s gone you can’t interact in the easy way we get to.
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