James took two shots of whiskey and stumbled up from his chair. He felt sweat on his nose and wiped it away with his hand; the momentum made him fall to the side. His hand was heavier than he remembered. He regained his balance after stumbling over his chair. He looked down at it, waited for it to become a single chair again, then kicked it. “Fuckin’ chair,” he slurred, and wandered, zig-zagged, to the bar. He leaned on top and waited for the bartender. His head fell heavy on his arm and when he realized, he lifted it up and tried to scan the place. It was mostly empty except for late night stragglers. Some seemed to be deciding where else the night would take them; others looked liked him, like they wanted to forget something.
“You had enough?” He looked up into the tired eyes of the middle-aged bartender. His face was pitiless.
“I had enough. How much?” James wasn’t sure where his words came from. He was glad they came.
“You paid already, kid.”
The bartender walked away and James realized that he was drunk alone for the first time. It might mean something if he could feel his mouth, instead he just felt that it was time to try and make it home.
He fell out into the cold night, sweat still on his nose. He wanted to call Rafael, to apologize, to ask for help, but he knew he wouldn’t come. He searched his pockets for his phone and managed to hang on to it long enough to wander into a patch of light. Who could he call? Not Rafael, he said to himself over and over again; Rafael won’t answer.
Sabrina. If Rafael hadn’t talked to her yet, he could call Sabrina and she would take the train to find him destitute on the streets, hanging onto a light post for dear life. I hope he didn’t talk to Sabrina yet, he thought. He felt sad thinking about the possibility and let his shoulders drop, only his entire body dropped with them and he crumbled to the ground like his clothes were suddenly empty. He leaned against the light post and contemplated crying but knew it wouldn’t change things. He got too close to Rafael. The time they spent together on roof tops looking out on the lights of the city talking about the places they would go, the things they would do, meant so much to James. They both wanted so much more than the mundane nine to five that kept their apartment and supported their bad habits. He got wrapped up in their fantasies, forgot that Rafael’s included a wife and kids. And he made a mistake.
He tried to touch Rafael, to kiss him. He hoped that it would be ok and though everything in his body told him it was the wrong thing to do, he took a chance. And Rafael hit him hard, in the face and the gut. “Don’t ever touch me again you fuckin’ faggot!” and that was the end. It meant the end of his relationship with Sabrina, too. You can’t kiss your girlfriend’s brother and expect her to ignore it. But she was his only hope right now, if Rafael hadn’t talked to her yet. But it had been hours, the sun had set, and he was piss drunk on his ass in the cold. She must know by now.
Curiosity overpowered his caution and he dialed her number and waited. It was well past 4:00 am but she could still be awake. The phone rang forever before he heard her voice and he knew that he had woken her.
“Hello?” He had no words. “James? Is that you?” Still nothing came. “James, are you ok? Is that you?”
His head felt heavy again and it dropped to his chest. His eyes burned and he couldn’t stop the tears. The phone fell from his hand and he heard it smack hard against the pavement.
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