“Before you start,” Valeria said thoughtfully as we sat at the dining room table for breakfast, “there’s something I want to say.”
A month had passed since she mentioned that her father asked her about having children, and over that time, I’d been really contemplating what I want for myself and my family.
“I have to admit that my dad asking the question, and you being open to it, really made me consider if having a baby was something that I wanted. I think I got so upset at you because I was mad at myself for not really figuring this out for myself already. But how could I have figured it out already? I’m older now and the things that didn’t appeal to me when I was younger make a lot more sense now.”
“Are you saying that you want to have a baby?” I asked. I was ready to tell her that I was more than a hundred percent sure that we shouldn’t have another child.
“Not necessarily,” Valeria continued. “I wanted you to really think about it because I wanted to. When my dad asked about it, it sort of took me off guard. I guess I thought that I already had kids in his mind. When he’s spent time with your daughters, I thought that it was obvious that we were already a happy and complete family. So when he asked me about having kids, it was a surprise and then I started wondering if there really was a difference. I mean, of course there’s a difference, but we’ve talked about it and we were fine with our family. When he asked about it, I don’t know, I guess it really got into my head and made me wonder what our baby would be like.”
The Baby Daydream 1
“I went to work that day and this baby was in the back of my mind the whole time. I kept wondering if we owed it to each other, you know? What greater gift can a couple give to one another than a baby that is our union made flesh?
“I’ve been doing this big data project at work, mostly just formatting so we can run it through a computer for analysis, so I’ve had a lot of time at work to just let my mind wander. That first day, I came up with what our baby would look like as a boy or girl. He or sure would have skin like caramel, and I think their hair would be rough like my father’s. They would be as eloquent as you are, they could talk to anyone and sound like the most important person in the world. And I could show them the stars and we could share a desire to prove that mystery together. It was a beautiful fantasy.
“The second day, I thought worst case scenario. Not physical problems or anything like that, but just personality differences. Can you have a kid that you don’t like as a person? I don’t know, but I imagined it and it’s miserable. You can’t not love them, even if you don’t particularly like them. You can’t trade them in. You’re just stuck with a person you don’t particularly like, making sacrifices for them.
“The third day, I thought about all of us together and I was stuck on that fantasy for a couple weeks. We had fun together. We liked camping together under the stars and cooking food outdoors. We spent days at a time outside and our son or daughter grew up in nature. It was really nice, Wes.”
I was sure that Valeria was about to tell me that she wanted to have a child, and as I listened to her, I became comfortable with the idea. But when she was done recounting her daydreams, she said.
“I still don’t want to have a baby, but please understand that if you ask, I will be happy to realize that future with you. Because I love you and our life together, and a baby couldn’t ruin that.”
I hugged her tightly and kissed her.
We aren’t having more children. And Valeria doesn’t hate me anymore. She never did.
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