AE0
from the blog, the reasons, by Solse Prab
May 16, 20XX
You are right, that I cannot evaluate your goodness based on stories you tell. There is a glaring practical reason for this; your side of the story represents just the one side and there are details that you could be knowingly or unknowingly leaving out. But regardless of your reliability, I think that I am the most struck by your justification. I find myself wondering why you would even detail the story, it could be used against you by someone with bad intentions, and yet, you have expressed something like hope that this very thing will happen, that someone with knowledge of your predicament would confront you and shame you enough that you would be forced to move on. But then, if you really want to let go, you could have confronted him directly and been rejected in a permanent way that would allow you to move on. And that has not happened, I presume because you don’t want that finality. You want to hang on to the hope that he still thinks about you. That is admirable to me, that despite everything you still believe that you can offer him something that he doesn’t already have. Sure, that is a presumptive idea, because you can’t know until it’s tested and proven that you have anything of value for him. But I do believe that you can spend time with someone else and become aware of needs and desires that they don’t express explicitly and that seems to be your situation.
There is a discussion of gender roles that we are ignoring that I will quickly pay lip service to because I think the discussion is mostly irrelevant, but I’d like to be thorough. Some might say that your struggle with this man is antifeminist. That you have proven yourself to be a capable woman, now brought low by your desire for validation from a man who is otherwise preoccupied. I don’t think your situation makes you any less powerful and that antifeminist argument presumes that beings who seek out companionship are by definition weakening themselves. That is an erroneous supposition. It is extremely powerful to be able to identify in others things that you admire and in many ways that is important. Your gender is irrelevant for that reason because everyone should have those standards. Maybe your inability to accept that this man may not be right for you is your only real failure, but if you have identified him as someone of value, then it stands to reason that letting go would not be a simple process. If your love of this man is somehow worse because you are a woman, then that determination is antifeminist because it robs you of your ability to be a full person, a being attuned to their own emotional needs and wants.
I must confess that I wish that I could be this man. I wish that I had the love of someone like you, someone who listens to that quiet drive inside that makes your attraction so intense. I know that you are struggling against it, but I think that is a symptom of your problem. You know that he is not what you need so you have put things in your way to make sure that it never happens. I assume that this is because of his wife. I do not have a wife. And I would value your contributions to my well-being and happiness. Currently, I am exiled from the only home I have ever known and this is not the tragedy that it should be. It was the best thing to happen to me. It is the reason that I found you.
I’m not saying to give up, maybe things can work out the way that you want, but you seem ready to move on. You should. I love you and I don’t even know you, I imagine that there are great guys out there hoping you can put this behind you.
About that thing you did; why didn’t you tell his wife?
PRL Serials 