When Tamarvan Barnes arrived to Ladoga, he was hopeful that it would be a good time. He flew into Charlotte and his brother picked him up from the airport.
“I know you staying at your old teacher’s house while you here, but mama want me to bring you by the house,” Farashad said. “Farah already there.”
“What about the kids?” Tamarvan asked.
Both his siblings had young children, though only his sister was married. His brother had two daughters and had lived with his parents in the Bottoms since the mysterious disappearance of the mother of his children. Farashad had been inconsolable for over a year after the disappearance and he leaned on his parents to help his daughters cope with the loss and avoid major disruption to their education.
“They all there too, happy to see their uncle,” Farashad said.
“Yeah right,” Tamarvan laughed. “They barely even know who I am.”
“You shouldn’t have been so quick to leave Ladoga. Farah’s kids don’t know you like mine do, but every family get together we sit down with all the kids and look at pictures. They know you.”
“Well I’m looking forward to seeing all the new faces,” Tamarvan said and looked out the window. They were still on the highway to Ladoga and he was taking in all the changes to the view that had seemed unchanged in all the years he’d lived in the area. There were new restaurants and shopping centers along the highway and Tamarvan marveled at the work in progress to widen the highway and add new overpasses. He’d been away for five years, and in that time, Ladoga and the surrounding cities had expanded but maintained a face that Tamarvan could recognize.
“Why you stay away so long?” Farashad asked. “Everybody always asking about you. People so proud. It ain’t like how we grew up, people ain’t scared to talk to me and Farah now. People know you more than they remember all that shit they say mama and daddy did.”
“You know that wasn’t just talk,” Tamarvan said. “Most of them stories people tell are true and you know it.”
“Maybe, but you definitely don’t hear them much these days. Everybody talking about Tamarvan Barnes graduating with honors from college, going to England for graduate school.”
“Funny how time changes things.”
“That ain’t time, brother, that’s you,” Farashad said. “We all so proud of you. You showing the whole world that people born in Ladoga is more than just factory and chicken plant workers. Studying the classics.”
“Yeah,” Tamarvan smiled and sighed. He’d heard all of this from his family before and it was one of the reasons he stayed away from town. His life story was a point of pride for everyone who knew him from Ladoga and he appreciated that people held him in such high regard, but he hadn’t needed their encouragement and well wishes to achieve his goals, and he certainly didn’t need them to continue working toward the things he wanted.
“You don’t want to be here do you?” Farashad asked.
“I been looking forward to this since the day y’all drove me up to Chapel Hill and dropped me off. One of the reasons I don’t come back is because I don’t want to go home and get comfortable. That makes it hard to go back to school where you’re working hard far away from your family and everything you know. I know I’ll get homesick. I miss y’all, I miss Ladoga a lot…”
As he spoke, they passed the sign welcoming them to the city of Ladoga. Because it was on a major highway, the sign was large and brightly decorated, and a large green sign attached to the permanent fixture touted that the city was home to the previous year’s men’s baseball, and women’s softball NCHSAA 2A champions. The highway ran from north to south through Ladoga and Tamarvan was overcome with memories of his time in the city. They passed the city hall building in downtown that was always elaborately decorated for Christmas in the winter and was the center of the city’s annual Winter Festival. They passed the grocery store chain where he had worked in high school, that was walking distance from the school and why he tried for years to get a job there. He hated the job, he was a bagger and his duties included bagging groceries, cleaning the bathrooms, and waxing the floors at the end of the day.
They drove past the middle school and Tamarvan remembered his friend Yusef. The memory exploded out of his subconscious and all of the pain that he experienced when he learned of Yusef’s death, welled up inside of him. He hadn’t thought about Yusef Hassan in a long time and he felt sadness and guilt for forgetting the friend who made him feel accepted and understood. If not for Yusef, he wouldn’t have had the courage to be himself and pursue the dreams that seemed so foreign to the people around him.
“You alright?” Farashad asked as he turned off the highway and onto U— street that led to the Bottoms.
Tamarvan nodded, but he wasn’t alright.
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