He met someone and all the old fears died away. Faad met someone amidst much personal turmoil; his mother did not talk to him because she saw his truth and knew that he would never give her grandchildren, his father was practically dead the way he drank his eyes closed daily, his brothers were frustrated and uncomfortable with his silent presence and his unwillingness to be happy and open with them, and his sisters did not trust the way their men looked at him when they thought their men stole glances. But Faad could not have been less interested in the husbands and boyfriends of his sisters, though he felt that if his sisters worried so much that their men were interested in him then they would do better to move on and find someone else.
Faad became infatuated with a man who saw him and spoke to that hidden self Faad was unaware was even hidden. Faad was not a man who consciously put on faces, but he succumbed to the very human instinct to conceal the parts of himself with which he struggled – his true aspirations that others could choose to laugh at as impossible and the parts of his nature that he could not control but regulated to appear closer to the nature of ‘real’ men as his father called it when he was conscious.
Faad grew to love this man, his name was Eddard and Faad called him Ned, or Neddard when he wanted him to smile. Ned had a son and a daughter and he told Faad that his wife drove him insane with demands. Faad saw Ned as an excellent provider and he could not imagine what his wife could have ever wanted for.
Faad had seen their home in the developing part of Waxhaw, NC and it honestly looked like a mansion, tall with three floors and an attic at the top. Inside, Faad had stood in the bathroom of Ned’s wife that was lit as though movie stars used it to have makeup applied. There was also a huge bathtub that doubled as a jacuzzi. There was an expansive bay window and Faad had sat on the sill that was big enough for him to stretch out if he’d chosen to and he looked out over the big backyard where an actual jacuzzi sat next to a swimming pool. There was a stone path that led to a garden Ned’s wife had demanded so that she could continue her childhood hobby of planting vegetables that she could use for cooking. But Ned had told Faad that he had to hire a gardener to keep it up, and a cook to prepare meals, once his wife decided that she could sell houses and became a real estate agent (Ned told him that she’d quit that job shortly after starting and she moved on to making and selling candles).
The house was beautiful and Faad told Ned often so that he could be proud of himself for procuring it for his family. When they first met, Faad was working as an accountant’s assistant while he finished college and Ned, a young restaurant owner, was a client of his boss. Faad organized Ned’s paperwork and answered his emails, and eventually they were meeting for lunch and coffee.
They hadn’t known one another long when Ned said to him, “It’s too much.”
Ned’s face was long with exhaustion and he yawned at the end of most of his sentences like a period.
“I like my work, but it’s a lot and I’m not even thirty.”
Faad smiled sadly at him. By that point, they had never really discussed their trials, only laughed together and enjoyed discussing tv shows and news stories that had interested them.
Faad said, hoping to make him smile, “You’re twenty-nine, Neddard, that’s close enough.”
Ned did smile at that then said, “You ever run away before? Just leave everything that made you bloated with regret?”
Faad shook his head and said, “Never really had anything to run from.”
Faad thought, I’m chasing everything that ran away from me.
Ned just nodded and their conversation ended, though their friendship evolved then into something much more personal. Faad realized that Ned knew him as more than his sexuality, maybe because at the time he was not aware of it, but Faad enjoyed it. Faad did not have many friends because other’s actions, the way they looked or talked at him, made him uncomfortable, as though they were judging or pitying him and he despised both. Ned, it seemed, just needed someone to talk to.
When he asked Ned what his wife thought about just taking the kids and moving away from every stress he had, Faad and Ned were sitting in a Dunkin Donuts sharing a box of munchkins. Ned chewed the munchkin in his mouth slowly as though he was gauging his response in his head before saying it and as he swallowed Faad watched him nod as though he was clearing himself to speak.
“My wife is my stress. I don’t think she loves me.”
It was the most nonchalant thing Faad had heard him say in a long time.
“She learned two truths about me when we were in high school; I never want for anything, not the way I work, and that I wanted children more than anything else.”
Faad wanted to hate her when Ned said it.
“I am grateful to her and my family loves her, but she doesn’t look at me any more, I don’t know.”
Faad knew what Ned meant.
“I married her because we were so happy back then. But when my work got hard and I was with her less, she just forgot me, I guess.”
Faad wondered if there were parts of Ned’s story missing and realized that of course this was one-sided, but his heart broke for Ned because he knew how hard he worked for his family.
“You ever have a wife?” Ned asked Faad and Faad said,
“Nope, a husband either. ”
Ned smiled as though he expected Faad to say that.
“I knew you were gay, I only wondered if you’d had a similar experience,” Ned said.
Faad said, “Never been close to marriage, or even real commitment for that matter.”
Ned said, “But you want to be.”
Faad understood it to be a question and said, “I guess so.”
Faad was not entirely sure though. He didn’t want a spouse to cause him grief the way his father had his mother. And he did not want to worry that the person he loved most would find someone else to love more than him.
“Talking to the likes of me can’t help things any, I imagine.”
It was true. It seemed that Ned had given all of himself to make a happy family, but there he was, unfulfilled and looking for an out.
Faad met Ned’s kids after he’d divorced. Ned had his kids on weekends and one weekend, Ned called Faad to meet him at a playground. When he arrived there, Faad saw Ned pushing his daughter in a swing while his son dug around in the sand near his feet. It looked like a glossy photograph and Faad understood why Ned was happy despite all he’d lost in his divorce, including his faux mansion in Waxhaw.
Ned was happy to see him and introduced him to his kids as Uncle Faad. Both were more interested in playing than meeting someone new. Ned apologized for them, as though Faad had taken offense, but Faad was almost as eager as they were to enjoy the playground. Ned and Faad sat to talk when Ned’s children decided to enjoy the slide. Faad envied them. It must have been nice to have a father that loved them enough not to drown himself in alcohol despite all the pressures he felt around him.
“I need a favor,” Ned said.
They were that close by that point. Ned had lent Faad a large sum of money to cover his books for his last semester and Faad had trouble paying him back because Ned refused. He’d told Faad to accept the money as a gift, but he did not trust gifts, they were like time bombs set to explode when the gifter needed something in return; so many acquaintances had taught him that lesson. But he did not feel that cynicism with Ned, he’d gladly do what he could for Ned.
“I need you to go to my ex-wife’s house, my son left a stuffed animal there and I caught hell putting him to sleep last night.”
Faad was nervous, he’d only ever met Ned’s wife once right after the divorce. Faad had driven Ned’s rented moving truck to his mansion and stood in the back organizing things as Ned brought them from the house. He’d invited Faad in the house many times that day as they sweated in the sticky heat, lifting and arranging, but Faad did not want to meet the heartless woman that had left Ned so exhausted. She’d come to the gaping door of the van while Faad was busy in the back making sure things were situated to avoid them shuffling around too much, and when he heard movement behind him he said,
“Just put it anywhere, I’ll find a place.”
And when he turned Faad startled and apologized.
“I thought you…” he managed before she cut him off.
“Sorry. just me, the big bad wife. ”
Her mouth smiled like she was joking but Faad could tell from her eyes that she wanted to own the title then.
“So Eddard’s a faggot. I guess that makes sense,” she said and Faad heard her voice quake with emotion despite the hard look in her eyes.
Faad did not know what to say and when he did talk his words surprised him; “He thought that you forgot him. He thought you replaced him with his money. And no, we’re not fucking.”
He was mad by the time he finished. He hated that she saw right through all the noble intentions he’d had with Ned, straight to the feelings he denied even to himself when he thought that he was starting to love Ned. He did like Ned and he would have counted himself so lucky to kiss him or hug him as someone who was more than a friend would. But Faad was fine talking to him and being a shoulder; Faad loved his friendship.
Ned’s wife left him in the back of the truck and Faad said nothing of his confrontation to Ned when they left the faux mansion after everything was packed. And he figured his ex-wife said nothing either.
Faad agreed reluctantly to retrieve the stuffed animal after Ned begged; his relationship with his ex-wife had only gotten more contentious, he’d explained to Faad. Ned had given him the option of watching the kids while he went, but Faad thought facing Ned’s ex-wife would be less stressful.
He showed up at the faux mansion and sat in his car, building up confidence. He knocked on the door and she answered, the big, bad (ex)wife. She actually looked happy before she remembered who he was, then she looked full of remorse and she apologized to him for the incident Faad was happy to forget.
“That really wasn’t me. Everything was still so fresh then.”
Faad had hoped to grab the stuffed animal and be gone, but she invited him in and even made tea and gave him shortbread cookies that he enjoyed. They sat in the living room with no tv, music playing softly in the background that Faad could not make out. He explained why he had come and she quickly retrieved the stuffed animal.
“He loves it, dirt and all.”
She laughed and Faad wondered if it was her smile that Ned had fallen for. She glowed like her shiny brown hair when she smiled. Faad wondered if he could smile like that.
“I’m glad the worst of it is over. The kids seem to have adjusted.”
Faad wanted to ask her if she was still mad at Ned, and she answered as though she’d heard him ask.
“When I see Eddard though, I want to hit him. He said almost exactly what you said to me, that he missed me. It’s hilarious because I missed him first. I waited up for him every night while he was opening those restaurants and I guess I finally just stopped waiting, when I knew that he cared more about his business than his wife. I know he loves his kids, when he did come home back then I would wake up alone in my bed and find him asleep with the children. They love him too. He’s an excellent father…”
Faad was silent and he saw her cry this time.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to burden you. But I loved him and it hurts to know that he ever thought otherwise.”
Faad did not want to say anything because he feared that he would become their carrier pigeon, flying messages between them, but he found himself talking and he said to her,
“He’s pretty much said the same thing.”
She nodded then said, “We were doomed from the start I guess, we were never good at communicating.”
When Faad left, he hugged her, not like a friend necessarily but because the moment seemed to warrant it. When he met Ned again he sat next to him on the bench in the park, his children were playing with other children and Ned smiled at them.
“Did she huff and puff?”
Faad shook his head, “She was really nice.”
Ned patted Faad on the knee in thanks. Faad nodded, realizing that he would never have anything if he did not face the other wolves in his life.
“I know what she said to you and I’m sorry. She needed to apologize.” Faad was surprised and Ned continued, “You’ve been a good friend.”
Ned found Faad’s hand and squeezed it lovingly with his own.
Faad thought of his father in a cloud of alcohol, his mother and her cold shoulder, his sisters’ jealousy, his brothers’ discomfort, and he thought of himself judging and disliking Ned’s wife before he truly knew her.
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