After my conversation with Pam, I was sure that I didn’t want to have the responsibility of raising a baby. I started waking up early, before Valeria even, who was usually up by six, so that I could go for a walk in the morning before the sun was full out. There was something serene about watching the sun rise in the mountains and the freshness of the morning air invigorated me. It was the best time to process my thoughts and after about a week, I was sure that Valeria and I would not be having another child. It just wasn’t practical and I really did enjoy my life the way it was. If we had a young baby, I wouldn’t have been able to take early morning walks.
The month that Valeria had forced on me to consider the baby question was almost up by that point. I had a week left, and I sat Valeria down one evening to explain my new perspective.
“We can talk about this next week,” Valeria said.
We were sitting on the back porch and when she stood to leave, I grabbed her wrist and pulled her gently back down into her seat.
“Please don’t just walk away,” I said. “Just listen and if you still insist on the week after this, so be it.”
She looked at me silently and crossed her arms over her chest.
I told her about the dream that I’d had, and the conversations since then, and tried to make her understand that even though it would be amazing to meet the child we could have together, our lives at the moment meant more to me than that prospect.
“I don’t need anything but you, Valeria,” I told her.
She shook her head silently and I could see frustration on her face.
“You know that’s not the point, right?” she asked. “I guess you don’t. Wesley, I don’t care about the life we have now. I mean, I do, but that’s not what any of this is about. I’d give up everything for you, everything, because I love you. I will do whatever I can to make you happy. This isn’t about me whining that I don’t want a baby to ruin our lives. This is about us being honest about what we want so we can find a life together in the future that makes us both happy. Stop thinking about what I want. I love you and I appreciate that you love me so much, but it’s time for honesty, amor. What do you want? What will make you happy? You saying you don’t want a baby because you think I don’t, doesn’t get us anywhere.”
I understood the point she was making and I tried to put my thoughts into a different context, but she wouldn’t let me.
“Just take the week, Wesley. Do it for me.”
She left me sitting on the porch and I sat looking at the darkening mountain scene from my back porch. I dozed off as I sat, just for a minute or two.
The Baby Nightmares 4
I opened my eyes in a dream. I looked up and saw a mobile of airplanes circling over me. I was in a crib, I was a baby.
Then I saw Valeria and myself leaning over me. Valeria and I were smiling down and baby-me reached up my hands and stretched my fingers.
Then Valeria and I started to yell at each other and baby-me couldn’t understand any of the words being shouted, but the looks on their faces scared me and I started to cry. Then I notice the backdrop behind their heads change from a standard ceiling inside of a room into hell fire. My adult face and Valeria’s grew horns from the forehead and they reached hands with thick claws into the crib as if they were trying to grab me.
All baby-me could do was cry and I eventually startled awake.
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