Valeria hates me. Or I assume she does. She used to like it when I wrote about her. She knows how much writing means to me, how much a part of myself writing is. But she won’t like this if she ever reads it. She won’t like this while she hates me.
I love Valeria. I can’t do anything else with more fidelity. Not even write. I don’t love writing more than I love her. I write about her because she’s always on my mind. She’s a part of me. I’m not complete without her.
I guess I should try to be more coherent, I am writing for an audience. I am writing this for a reason. I want others to know what it means to realize your worst nightmare, to live in it, and to continue living. I want to give hope to those in a similar situation.
Valeria hates me, I know she does. She basically said so. She never said the words, but I can see it in the way she treats me. I’ve known Valeria for years and we’ve been in love for so long, I can tell when her mood is off, when she’s not her usual self.
It all started with an argument. A stupid argument about nothing really.
“My dad called,” she said as we got ready for work one morning.
“Oh? Is he coming to town?”
We’d recently moved into a bigger house in Balsam Grove that was closer to Valeria’s job at the research institute where she works. The house had two dedicated guest rooms, specifically to anticipate and accommodate visits from her father and siblings, or my daughter’s.
“No, he just wanted to make sure we settled in ok. You know what he said?”
“What?” I asked after I spit toothpaste.
“He was joking, or he said he was, but he asked when we were gonna give him some grandkids.”
I rinsed and spit, then watched Valeria roll her eyes in the mirror as she pinned her hair into a bun.
“What’d you tell him?”
“That he already has step-grandkids, your two girls who love him very much. My brothers are almost at that age, they should be having kids soon. Junior is getting serious with his girlfriend.”
“My daughters really do like him alot,” I said. “When we went to the Outer Banks last year, they were so cute together.”
“I know! He felt so bad when I said it. He said he loved the girls, but he was trying to ask about the two of us having kids. I explained to him that we’re just not interested in having anymore kids.”
She was right. We had talked about it before, and Valeria was honest that she had never had any desire to have kids. She said that she was happy to consider it if it was something I wanted, but at the time, I was happy with the size of my family. Not to mention that children are very expensive.
But honestly, after so long together, I had thought about it again and I imagined the child that Valeria and I could have together. I had two children from a previous relationship, but Valeria had no biological children. I guess I was thinking that the world would be a better place with more people like Valeria in it, and her child could inherit her scientific mind. It was never an extensive thought, just something that crossed my mind every now and then, but something about the way she brought it up made me kind of sad that she definitely didn’t want to give birth to a child
“What?” she asked as she turned from the mirror to look at me. I had been staring blankly at her reflection.
“What?” I asked.
“You have a look in your eyes. What are you thinking?”
We finished in the bathroom and finished dressing for the day. I was headed to Asheville for a meeting with my editor at the newspaper there, and she would spend her day deciphering data from the radio telescope at the institute.
“Nothing, babe,” I said as I wondered whether to be honest about my thoughts. But, next thing I know, I was talking without really thinking my thoughts through completely. “Well, we could consider having a baby together. A little Valeria Jr.”
Valeria’s anger came quickly. She yelled and left that morning without saying goodbye and it was only later in the week when she calmed down that she explained herself. We discussed it over dinner.
“If this is how you felt,” she explained. “I wish you would have said so sooner. I don’t want to have kids now, but when we met, I would have happily done that for you. But apparently you were just lying about not wanting more kids? You put me in a position to be a selfish person after I told you I was happy to do that before.”
“No,” I said, sorry that I had opened my mouth. “That’s not how I feel at all. I’m not dying to have a baby or anything, and I definitely didn’t want one when we met. I was just thinking about you and your legacy. My daughters love you and they think you’re the best stepmom they could have, but I don’t know. If you wanted to have a baby, I was just letting you know that I’m not completely opposed to the idea. But I’m happy with our famy just like it is.”
Valeria made it clear that at that point in her life, she wasn’t interested in being pregnant, but she said to me sincerely,
“Be honest with me, Wesley Edward. If you want more children, we can talk about it. But don’t just say what you think I want to hear. My career means a lot to me and a baby will complicate that. So think about it carefully Wesley. And we will talk about this again in a month.”
A month is a long time. It’s a long time to share a house with someone who thinks you can’t be honest with them. Or with someone who thinks you want to mess up their career by loading them up with all the responsibilities of having a new baby and raising it.
I’ve tried to cut the month short because she’s obviously been mad at me, but there’s still a few weeks to go and she won’t even talk about it.
She wanted me to really think about it, and I have been. It’s all I can think about now, and my regret at ever broaching the subject like I did.
I don’t want Valeria to hate me anymore so I’ve been getting my thoughts together to convince her that we never have to have this conversation about children ever again.
It’s the only thing I think about. I even dream about it, when I’m asleep or when my mind wanders.
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