Clay stacks bricks at work. The wall was nothing, nonexistent, and then he zoned out thinking about the words of Sam from a week ago, that he is neglecting the needs of gay men in his community who could use a champion, and next thing he knows, the wall is as tall as his hip.
What more could he do? How was Clay supposed to find all the men like himself who needed his help?
After work, Clay meet Ivan at home.
“We can go out,” Ivan suggests. “There are clubs and bars around, we can talk to people.”
Clay had a long talk with Ivan about Sam and both men realized their aversion to what is considered mainstream gay culture. Ivan had avoided it because of stigma from his family, and Clay never felt comfortable being the sexual object of other men. But he is taking his new role as protector of his neighborhood very seriously and he would make it known that open hostilities towards homosexuals would not be tolerated.
“We can go out,” Clay says thoughtfully.
Ivan nods. It’s a good idea. Living with Clay made Ivan proud to be a homosexual man, even if it alienated him from his family.
“You mind if I go alone?” Clay asks carefully. He doesn’t trust himself to control his anger if someone approaches Ivan.
Ivan shakes his head. “It’s a good chance to practice your control,” he says as though he can hear Clay’s thoughts.
“I know, but…”
“I’m going with you,” Ivan says and he wraps his arms around Clay’s neck. “I’m jealous too.”
It is Saturday night and Ivan is in the mirror grooming his eyebrows. He wears a red collar shirt with open buttons tucked into slacks that hug his butt. Clay ambushes him from behind, pulling the shirt from his pants and then he reaches his hands around to button his shirt. Ivan looks at Clay’s reflection in the mirror somberly.
“I never seen you in those pants before,” Clay says gruffly, then sits on the toilet.
“I thought I looked pretty conservative,” Ivan says and he goes slowly back to the task of removing the traces of his unibrow.
Clay sighs. “I’m sorry. You look good.” He brushes his teeth angrily.
Ivan turns at the sink and looks down at him. “After everything we’ve been through, we’ve been living together for a year now, and you still worry about…what exactly? I want to look nice for you. I’m not trying to meet somebody else tonight.”
“It’s not that,” Clay says with effort, and then he spits toothpaste into the sink. He stands in front of Ivan. “I don’t know, man, it’s something in me. When it comes to you…” Clay looks away and Ivan puts a hand to his cheek. “I just don’t trust anybody else around you.” Clay can’t say more. He wants to, but his feelings for Ivan defy explanation. He can only feel the feelings, the intense connection, the need to protect; he can’t source it and it feels like an integral part of himself. It is strange, but it is real, and he knows that Ivan feels the same way and looks to him for an explanation that eludes him.
“We look after each other,” Ivan says, “don’t forget that.”
Just then, they hear Alia come through the front door. She is with Vita when they enter the living room.
“You two look good,” Vita says. “Since I’m going to church tomorrow with Alia, you guys have to take me out with you tonight.” She is tall and lanky like her brother, but she fills out her skirt and blouse well and she is suitably dressed for a night out.
“I don’t see why not,” Ivan says and Clay agrees. “What about you Alia?”
“Naw,” she says slowly. “I think I’ll just hang around here tonight.”
“She has a phone date with Yuri,” Vita teases. “It’s getting pretty serious guys, she’s talking to him all the time.”
“Who is Yuri?” Clay asks. He finds himself just as protective over Alia as he is over Ivan these days; she is like a sister to him. He remembers what brought her to his home in the first place, her encounter with the jinn messenger of the Red Father. She is a very powerful woman with very powerful enemies and Clay is wary of any new people.
“I got it big man,” Alia says and she slaps him on the arm. “This is my strange adventure, I’ll call you in if I need help.”
Of course she is not naive, Clay thinks and he smiles at her, she is the Alia. He should thank God that she was there for him.
“You all have fun tonight,” Alia says.
“It’s gonna be legendary,” Vita says. “So where are we going?”
Ivan and Clay look at one another and then at Vita shrugging their shoulders.
“You guys need me, I’m glad I’m here. So we are driving to Charlotte and we can just bar hop until you guys find what you’re looking for.”
“It sounds like you’ve done this before,” Ivan says.
“Of course, gay clubs are my jam. It’s the best way for a single straight girl to have a good night out without being hit on all the time. Follow me boys, I’ll introduce you to the community.”
Vita drives and it takes them about an hour to reach uptown Charlotte that is the biggest city either of them have visited in a while. Vita parks in a parking garage and the three walk around the wide sidewalks that are busy with people. Vita leads them to a club where everyone seems to know her name, and they eye the two men trailing her. Clay watches others watching Ivan and Ivan watches Clay watching everyone else. When they make it to the bar, Vita orders beers and they all sit.
“Beers up fellas,” she says and chugs her beer before either of them finish.
Soon after, Vita grabs Ivan and they dance together as Clay watches on with a smile. He casually scans the place. He has never been to a club before, but it looks just like his expectations from movies; darker and louder than the logical expectation and Clay wonders how anyone meets someone here. He waves to Ivan and indicates that he is going outside for some air. He wanders around the front of the bar where people are waiting for others or just enjoying the sidewalk. He smiles and waves at people moving by and then he sees a guy standing alone. Clay approaches him casually and then tries to start a conversation.
“It’s packed in there.”
The young man looks up at Clay and then his face sours.
“Not interested,” the young man says and then looks away.
Clay is taken aback, “I’m here with someone…” but the man walks away. Clay shrugs and tries again, and this time he is welcomed into a conversation that bounces around a group of men who are all making plans for their next stop. He introduces himself and they all talk about their partners or their want for one or their repulsion to the very idea of monogamy.
“What’s the point?,” one man asks. “I ain’t looking to get married.”
“You just don’t have respect for yourself,” another jokes.
This makes the man noticeably upset. “Why you gotta do that?” he asks. “I don’t judge you for wanting to get married, why is it a bad thing if I just want to have fun?”
“What if you meet someone special?” Clay asks. “That one person that you want more than anything else?”
“That’s like asking what if I see bigfoot,” the man laughs. “There’s too many people for one person to be more special than anybody else.”
It had never occurred to Clay that sex without obligation could be better than one reliable sex partner. He never thought that he would find a guy that he would feel comfortable expressing his sexuality with, and when he found Ivan, he was happy that he would never have to look for anyone else.
Inside, Vita and Ivan sit at the bar having another beer.
“So, what do you think?” she asks him.
“It’s what you would expect,” Ivan says leaning close to her ear. When he sits upright and looks across the bar, he sees a familiar face grinning at him. “Oh no.”
“What?” Vita asks.
“Desperation,” Ivan answers.
Vita’s face contorts with confusion. “I guess some people here are desperate, but most people are just trying to have fun.”
Ivan shakes his head. “No, there, that’s Desperation.” He points the man out and Vita shakes her head; she doesn’t know the man. “I’m gonna go see what he’s doing here.”
Vita follows Ivan around the bar where the man Desperation is dressed in a tank top and shorts that shows off his muscled arms and legs. Ivan stands close to him, but he is sure not to touch the man.
“So you and sweetness finally broke up?” Desperation asks sheepishly. “You out here trying to move on and you didn’t even call me.”
“Clay is outside,” Ivan says. “And we are still together. What do you want?”
“I got everything I want now,” Desperation says as his smile slowly disappears. As it does, his right cheek splits open and soon a silver scar runs from just below his eye and in a diagonal across his jaw.
Ivan has never witnessed this before, but when Desperation’s silver scar appears, he is usually angry and ready for a fight. Ivan can feel his aggression.
“I won’t let him fight you. Especially not here.” Ivan’s eyes are green now.
“I guess you made your choice then,” Desperation says. “It was the wrong one.” He swings at Ivan and knocks him onto his back. There is a commotion around them and everyone backs away or leaves the bar entirely.
Vita helps Ivan to his feet, and soon Clay is there too. The three face Desperation who is all smiles again.
“This is gonna be fun, sweetness.”
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