Dae keeps quiet during his first Bible study with the chaplain’s group. Everyone in attendance is a very devout Christian and Dae is afraid that his opinion of their firmly held beliefs will only anger someone and lead to a physical punishment that will take weeks to heal in the infirmary. He hated the sting of bruises on his face, the itch of healing wounds.
They mostly talked about why it made sense for god to punish his creation.
“Muthafuckas need bad shit to happen for them to learn anything,” one of the prisoners explained.
“But it seem like some niggas only get bad shit that happen to them. My cousin been raped her whole life, then she have a retarded baby by her own daddy, now she living off welfare. That seem like a life of bad shit. When the good shit supposed to start?”
The chaplain chimed in to say, “Maybe it isn’t God that causes bad things to happen. Maybe, because God gave man free will, all of the bad stuff is our fault and not his. Maybe God is working right now to deliver that poor girl from the evil she knows.”
When the study is over, the chaplain stops Dae to talk to him.
“You think you’ll come back?”
Dae nods. “I don’t see why not.”
“You think you’ll talk next time?”
Dae shrugs. “We would be disagreeing if I did.”
“That’s fine, I don’t claim to have all the answers.”
“Then you ain’t like no other man of God I’ve ever met. I’ll see you next time.”
Dae thinks about the chaplain’s justification for people who lead shity lives and he actually agrees with him that people make the world a more difficult place than it has to be. But to think that something was working to make anything better was a horrible thing to make a sufferer believe. A person had to change their fortunes themselves, something Dae had known all of his life. But a person should be cautioned that making one’s own destiny angered universal forces that Dae couldn’t fully comprehend or even know if he believed in, but those forces were extremely angry at him and he would pay for it for the rest of his life. Maybe it was a Christian god after all, but he would never humble himself to it.
The Bible study becomes a regular thing for Dae and he eventually loosens up enough to speak in front of the group. And despite his instincts, he learns to let down his guard around the prisoners of the Bible study.
Truck notices the change in him. Dae smiles more often and he asks Truck questions about his day, and his life before he was locked up. It doesn’t bother Truck at first, but when he sees Dae talking to a man from the Bible study, he can’t help but feel jealous and wonder if the Dae is doing for the new man what he normally does for him.
One night, when Dae makes it back to his cell, Truck is waiting for him with no emotions on his face.
Dae smiles at him and then the smiles fades when Truck continues to show no emotions.
“Hey…” Dae starts, and Truck grabs him roughly and the abuse starts. The entire time, Dae thinks of it as punishment for believing that things could ever get better for him. For finding something to look forward to everyday.
It’s clear to Dae after the incident that any solace he finds in prison will have to remain in his mind. As soon as it became apparent that he wasn’t completely miserable, something would come along to ruin it.
But no one could take away his inner thoughts. He realizes that if he tried, he could store up solace in his mind and retreat there anytime he needed it. It was either that, or Dae would just need to end it all forever.
Instead of attending the Bible study, Dae gets lost in a book in the library. He reads the words of Thomas Aquinas but they barely penetrate his brain. He is sore from his encounter with Truck and the pain is distracting. The chaplain approaches him apprehensively after some time.
“I missed you today,” Lavalle says as gently as he can manage.
“I’m done with all that god stuff.”
“It’s your choice. I’m not going to try and talk you into it. But you seemed happier.”
“I was kidding myself. Have a good day.”
Lavalle doesn’t want to press too hard and he sighs silently to himself and leaves Dae to reading.
He closes the book when the chaplain leaves. Dae knew that the chaplain would look for him and he did not want him to see the new solace that he had decided to latch onto. He had decided that he would keep that to himself. He takes out a sheet of paper and a small pencil with a sharp tip and he starts sketching the vision in his head of the mansion he had lived in as a foster child. He remembers it vividly, so vivid that as he sketches the big staircase leading up to the front door, he can smell the flowers that were planted out front and he can feel the gentle breeze. And it is the first time since he arrived that he does not feel the constraints of the walls that surround him.
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