AE0
May 16, 20XX
I’m talking to you now. You know who you are, the only one reading this. Where are you from? What do you look like? That doesn’t really matter, you don’t have to answer that. But I’m curious about you.
What do you think about my obsession? Do you really think that I am a good person given the desires that I have for this married man?
I’m asking you because of your last message. I’m not a good person for allowing myself to be vulnerable in such a public place. That action can’t possibly speak to my goodness. It shows my selfishness, that I could desire someone who already has someone else to satisfy the needs I want him to bring to me. I’m not a good person for wanting to fulfill his needs. That desire is selfish. If I satisfy his needs, then he will feel obligated to satisfy mine and that is really what I care about.
I think you are taking it easy on me because you feel sorry for me. You’re assuming that I need pity and support, when what I actually need is a nice dose of reality. I need to hear someone say that I am stupid and creepy and then I can shame myself into moving on. Because these feelings are so persistent. That’s wrong. I don’t need anyone outside of myself to say those things. I just have to mean it when I say it, then forgetting him won’t be hard because I’ll have all the reasons I need. Or I’ll finally listen to all the reasons that matter.
Tell me what you think about this:
He goes to a gym that I joined recently. He never sees me there, I make sure of that. I was there last night; it’s a 24 hour gym and he goes there straight from work now and he spends hours on an exercise bike. He always looks frustrated and I assume that he has stopped drinking and started working out more to mitigate his frustrations. But now I pay all this money for this expensive gym because I wanted more details about his day.
I don’t work out, but I sit at one of the machines, hoarding it from someone else who might want to use it. And I linger as closely as I can without being noticed to hear him breathe or talk to other gym patrons. Imagine my shock the last time I saw him there, kissing a woman that wasn’t the wife he left at home. He is having an affair and not with me. I was livid and I followed the woman when she left alone. I went to her house and I walked to her door with no apprehension. It was early in the morning by that time, and I didn’t really care who would answer, but when a man opened the door, I said without hesitation, “Your wife is cheating on you.” And I left. He tried to talk to me, he yelled for me to come back, to tell him my name, but I didn’t. I just drove away.
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