My flaws run very deep, so deep they name my every action. I can’t do anything without running into them. I have an aversion to people; maybe I’m afraid of them or maybe I am filled with disdain for their flaws. I am unforgiving, I am self conscious and self centered. These things run deep. I don’t believe that people are capable of real change. I believe that we are capable of evolution though, and that may seem like a subtle distinction, but the evolution of human beings is slow by definition. It involves subtle change over time to better suit an environment, and in order for humans to evolve emotionally, they must do so slowly and by immersing themselves in new, unfamiliar environments. Otherwise, there is no impetus for evolution. It is not enough to want to be different, action kickstarts real change. So, it is frustrating for me to know my flaws and be a slave to them. I am me because my environment and my choices made me this way, I can only escape them if I run very far away.
I am frustrated because I want to make a connection, something real and lasting that I can depend on. But all I have is my computer screen, and my car, and the radio in my car. Those are lifeless things that I cling to because without them, I would be so alone. Sure, I have family, coworkers, maybe a friend or two, but they don’t know me. They can’t know me. If they did, they wouldn’t tolerate me and my disdain, my fear of them. So they get a shell of me that makes it impossible for me to be a true friend to them. I don’t love anyone, not really. I only know obligation to the people in my life. Maybe I do love my family, but familial love can feel stale and lifeless if it is never tested, and my family is drama free. We are not like most families, we don’t argue, we don’t disapproved of each other’s choices. We get together for holidays to pose for pictures and we repress to look shiny and happy, we are all good at it.
I want a real connection and I think I almost had it. Of course I met her through my computer and she was so beautiful in person. A real winner, younger than me, but smart as a whip, and she taught me new things every time I met her. She knows how to manage her money better than me and since I met her, I’ve been following her advice, I even got a raise at work. She can be awkward, sometimes she makes jokes that I don’t get, but that is not really her fault, I’m usually pretty humorless. But she makes me smile. She does have a temper, and though I guess that is one of her flaws, that is the thing I love most about her. When she gets frustrated, she yells, and I talk to her softly to bring her back to herself. She seems to appreciate it. And for months we met at this dinner club for young professionals and every time we were there we ignored everyone else and sat in a corner talking. But then I got very self conscious about my inability to change and I knew that she deserved someone better than the person she was getting to know. I would only judge her and look down on her for her opinions that were unlike my own. She could find someone better, someone open to evolution, who could grow with her. So I let it expire. I talked less and I guess it made her feel uncomfortable because eventually she stopped showing up.
The last time I saw her, the restaurant was so busy. I had saved us a table and she was running late. People kept looking at me to leave so they could be seated, but I had to see her. It had been a while since the last time we were together and I had convinced myself that I was ready to tell her that I could try if she would have me, I would let my guards down and show her who I was so we could do the work to make me a suitable partner. I was nervous, my palms were sweaty, and when she arrived, I completely lost my nerve. She was so beautiful and full of possibilities and I knew that she could find someone better than me. She sat in front of me, looking upset at all the people. And I couldn’t look her in the eyes because I felt so unworthy and I was afraid words would slip and I would be begging her to love me. I couldn’t do it. And we barely talked at all. Eventually she stormed off, and I followed behind her like a sad puppy. When she was at her car she turned to me, “Goodbye,” and honestly it felt like one last chance, like she knew I had things on my mind. But I just said it back, “Goodbye,” and watched her pull away.
I won’t ever change because I won’t allow anything in my life to be different. Maybe opening up to her would have been the best first step, but I didn’t do it. I am not man enough to evolve.
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