Brolic and Colic
Colic is a fussy guy. He is sixteen and he spends most of his time keeping his home free of litter that rolls down the hill where cars zip by on a road that leads out to the beach. Colic lives near a stream in overgrown hills in a place scarcely populated by people. He was born near the stream, it is perfect for turtles because humans don’t frequent the area with their lawn mowers, and their dogs aren’t around to threaten, and none of the raccoons or opossums that root around their trash. Its fairly open country for turtles like Colic, until they built the road on the hill and Colic has to spend his afternoons fussing after coffee cups and burger wrappers and cigarette butts. Colic hates the road because just over the hill is the land of slugs, where Colic and his cousin Brolic would go and gorge themselves because there were always tons of them there; only Brolic could motivate Colic over the hill and when the road came, it was near impossible to get Colic anywhere near the hill for fear of the cars.
But on Colic’s side of the hill, there are plenty of worms that wriggle out of the dirt when it rains and other turtles come out and give Colic a chance to be social like his cousin, who has managed to copulate plenty of times with females, whereas Colic has only managed twice. Each time was with a female who literally had no alternatives, but Colic was proud, he probably had turtle babies out there somewhere.
Today, as Colic clears a McDonald’s bag from his front yard, his cousin Brolic saunters over.
“We gotta go over the hill today, it mating season cousin.”
Colic groans, “we flying over the hill?”
“Come on, don’t act like that, if we start now we’ll beat the slow guys. There all over there, just waiting for us, and there’s slugs if you don’t get lucky.”
Brolic is the same age as his cousin Colic, but Brolic is noticeably bigger and he can move rocks that Colic wouldn’t even dream of trying. His success at mating was due largely to his ability to push his competition aside and fend off anyone brave enough to challenge him; not that turtle fights happened all that often, but when they do, Brolic is usually the winner.
“It shouldn’t be this hard to convince you, its mating season, we are virile young men, let’s go do what we do. Unless you’re like Sheldon and Franklin, and its cool if you are, but you should tell me so I’ll quit wasting my time.”
“I’m not like Franklin and Sheldon! I wish I was, they’re so happy together.”
“I know, right? But that’s unnecessary work. Following each other around and stuff, we’re slow enough as it is. I like mating season, get it all out and move on.”
Brolic had employed a tactic that often worked when he wanted Colic to go with him some place, he walked as they talked because Colic became engrossed in conversations and was highly suggestible as long as he was interested in what he was talking about. And all of a sudden Colic finds himself at the edge of the road. He looks back behind himself, stunned that he hadn’t noticed the ascent up the hill.
“We might as well cross,” Brolic says.
“As soon as I step out, one of those things is gonna come by, and if it doesn’t crack my shell, then it gonna throw garbage that I’m gonna have to go clean up.” Colic heads back down the hill towards his home despite Brolic’s objections.
Royal Jeffrey and Queen Caroline the Terrible
“You know what I think? I think we could use a monarch.”
“Jeffrey, you’re an idiot. We need a queen of the koalas? What’s our queen gonna do exactly?”
“I was thinking a king, but I guess a queen could do as well. What does any monarch do Caroline? When the Queen of England comes calling, which one of us is gonna sit down with her for a spot of tea? Mike? He’s a slob, we need an official representative so’s we’re not humiliated in front of the Queen. That’s all I’m saying. Its not ridiculous.’
“Listen to yourself, if the queen comes calling? Is that what you think the queen does all day? Sit around and have people over for tea?”
“Well, she discusses important things I imagine, having tea with Obama’s wife and Angela Merkel.”
“Why on earth would those three women have tea together, Jeffrey?”
“Diabetes, human children are so fat. They lumber around this zoo everyday, breathing out of their mouths, eating their ice cream. They should all be ashamed.”
“So the queen is off having tea to discuss fat children? Jeffrey you’re an idiot. But if we koalas had a monarch, don’t you think I’d be good for it? Queen Caroline, it sounds nice, you have to admit that, it has a ring to it.”
“If its a stupid idea, then you’re stupid for wanting it.”
“You’re stupid for bringing it up, and in your stupid scenario the only thing that has any luster, any semblance of sanity or rightmindedness is the part that resembles me being a queen, because I’m glorious, and regal. So if all this was your way of telling me that I’m a queen, or that I should be your queen specifically then I humbly accept and declare you idiot no longer.”
“Maybe we don’t need a monarch. This is how it starts, its all crowns and gowns at first, then you’re chopping my head off for telling you the truth that you’re mad with power.”
“I am so level headed, Jeffrey, its not a legitimate concern that I’d go all Queen of Hearts as the Supreme Koala Monarchess. You like that, its nice right? Queen is so human, Monarchess is new and sexy. If I ever marry, he’ll be the monarch, and I, the Supreme Monarchess. I’m liking this a lot, this is great.”
“Ugh, never mind then, it’s stupid. I thought I was sparking lively discussion, the future of our species free of cages, but nope, I hear it now, its stupid.”
“Told you it was stupid.”
PRL Serials 