This is a transcript of an Interstellar Panel meeting that took place about 100 Earth years ago. Only one member of the Panel is named in the original recording that produced the transcript (it has been roughly translated here into the Earth language known as English):
[“Earth is sentient, that alone is enough to warrant their inclusion.”
“Earth has been sentient since the first slimy organism creeped out of its ooze, sentience does not equal wisdom or intelligence.”
“And everyone here is wise and intelligent? I would ask each panelist here to tell me that they are the wisest and most intelligent beings in their respective solar systems without misrepresenting the truth. This panel is about establishing universal definitions and rights, it is not about snobbery.”
“One in the same, some would say. I don’t see why this Earth matters at all, they are on the opposite side of the universe, let them start their own panel for their sector of space. I will not be traveling there, not without considerable compensation from the panel.”
“Maybe we should travel there, see first hand if they are up for it. And it is past time that the panel put actual ships in that sector of the universe, frankly it’s embarrassing that we rely only on remote viewing for our study of that area.”
“Haven’t we tried that experiment of assessing a population for inclusion from within before, with that awful moon cluster? How many Panel Nations soldiers died to rescue our undercover representative there?”
“I’ll go, I have the ship, I have excellent combat skills, and it’ll be easiest for me to fit in unidentified.”
“You also have the least scientific knowledge of everyone here. How will you make a proper assessment?”
“Not to mention that you are a twisted sadist who preys on the electrical energy generated by organic species. Tell me Eakran, your interest in personally travelling to this Earth wouldn’t have anything to do with the latest Science Panel report on the creatures of the planet, with their complex mental circuitry that is powered by electricity?”
“I admit that I am curious to encounter them, but only as the lackluster scientist that you all seem to think that I am. I have no interest other than furthering the causes of this panel, and if the humanoids of Earth have anything substantial to offer, then they should be represented here.”]
The Interstellar Panel headquarters is on a massive ship that is docked in full view of an active supernova, it is a beautiful sight through the ship windows. The Interstellar Panel is more of a supreme court than a federation of planets; the panel is made up of representatives from all Panel Nations, and they establish what they call Interstellar Law, a code of ethics and morals that are accepted as truth by all “civilized” beings under panel purview.
Eakran is from a planet very similar to the Earth and he has had his eye on it for a very long time. It is true that Eakran has tortured and performed sadistic experiments on creatures from many different worlds, but he is not a butcher like the doctors and biologists. Eakran is a student of consciousness, the ways that the beings of a reality understand their place in reality. He has learned a lot from the experiments on his home planet, but this Earth had humanoid beings with characteristics not common to the beings of his planet and he wanted to study them, to hold one of their brains in his hands, and maybe even eat one while it was still in a live Earth Humanoid. The humanoids of Earth seemed convinced of their longevity, so much so that they placed a lot of emphasis on knowing their history and becoming a part of it themselves (Eakran’s planet had copied signals from Earth’s satellites and managed to watch TV and download pictures and books). The beings of Eakran’s planet did not think very much of the past in the sense that they did not write history books with detailed stories of great conquerors or liberators because for them, history was told very plainly by the technologies that they had developed over many years and the people who made them eventually became insignificant. Eakran was curious about Earth Humanoid romanticism because where he was from, being romantic meant vicious suicide at the death of a spouse as a show of connectivity and interdependence. And if he got the chance to feed on some organic electricity then that would just be icing on the Earth Humanoid non-vital substance disks, also known as a cake.
Eakran was given 50 Earth years to complete his assessment of the planet and he has been on Earth for about 20 years so far. He is the lead psychologist at a little known facility in rural GA, where doctors and scientists treat difficult mental conditions that manifest around the country. Usually, they see patients who exhibit previously unobserved symptoms. The facility also works on detailed neurological mapping and function assessment of the human brain.
Today in his office, Eakran, who uses the first name Thomas, has just finished an interstellar transmission to the Panel and he opens a new patient file.
“What kind of name is this?” Eakran says out loud. He smiles as he reads the symptoms. “Nebuchad presents with schizoid tendencies and sometimes believes himself to be a bull. When he believes himself to be a bull, he will only eat grass and does not speak. He has moments of clarity, but mostly he suffers from delusions. He is amazingly intelligent in his delusions, he was able to map constellations and other astral bodies though he has no background and has never shown an interest in astronomy. Nebuchad is referred to our facility by police investigators who explain that the man’s condition is caused by an unknown narcotic. We are asked to determine the full extent of the damage for the FDA.”
Eakran’s smile gets bigger and he struggles not to laugh out loud. Poor Earth Humanoids and their weak grasp on reality, he thinks. They can’t even handle Eakran’s favorite party drug.
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